Friday, November 16, 2007

In Time...

I was waiting to post something until I had something profound and interesting to say... this whole blog world thing is really new for me... I was rereading over some of the things I wrote... and I have been so sad and full of angst lately... I just couldn't put a bunch of random bitchy comments out there... That little voice in my head said "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all..." But time passes.... days blur into weeks and then months, and if I wait until I am happy, the Easter Bunny will be hopping over the hill and I still won't have posted anything. So here I am, in all my empty, angst filled glory... struggling to figure it all out. Looking inside the dark corners of myself to find that sparkly place. I know it's there, it just likes to play hide and seek with me a lot.

So this is my time... I joined my Mom's mastermind group last week. An amazing group of ladies I just love and respect so much. Many I know, and some I don't. All of us struggling with the recreation of ourselves. In this group, with the love and support of each other, we are able to define who we are. What our deepest dreams and passions are, and we are working toward manifesting them in the world. I discovered the other night... "I am an artist" It was hard to say... part of me still doesn't believe it... and until I do fully believe it, it won't be true. If I am embarassed to tell people who I am in my authentic self... how will anyone ever take me seriously? Everything I do in life has to do with being artistic. I already live an artful life.. and yet I keep yammering on about needing to have more time to express myself more artistically... What the heck is that all about...? Why am I denying this part of myself? Partly because I don't believe I can make money at it... Not like I did as a loan officer... Partly because I feel so uncreative lately... that I can't even make a simple ATC without agonizing over the placement of every single object and wondering if it will be "good enough" to send in for an Art Fest ATC swap... I have to have little talks with myself... that I "Used to be somebody" in the scrapbooking world" and that many of the women I have known in the industry have all gone on to great accomplishments... product design specialists, HOF winners, book authors and professional licensed artists, teachers, editors, freelance artists. What did they do that I didn't? They promoted themselves. They took the leap of faith and put themselves out there. They networked at trade shows, got their work published, and continued to stretch and grow... I took a 3 year sabbatical and spent time recreating my family and traveling with a new husband. We took different paths. I could be there too now if I hadn't detoured... But I also wouldn't be "who" I am now if it weren't for taking that other road. The things I have to share of myself and my work are deep. The wounds and feelings I have are raw... and it isn't all pretty popsicle pages and zoo pictures tied up with grosgrain ribbon and embellished with some buttons and doodles. It is bright vibrant colors bleeding onto the page. It is soft washes of pastels like the most beautiful rainbow bending over me. It is dying plants and green swimming pools and a house so full of clutter and junk that we can barely move. It is all of these things. It is me. So waiting until the "time that I feel better" just really won't help. It is sharing the process, as my group says... that helps others. It is letting those dark, ugly thoughts out into the light, where they dissolve and become less important, that really make me feel like I am contributing something of value. It is then... that I am truly letting my authentic self shine.

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