Thursday, December 9, 2010

Ode to my uterus


This is an art piece I did when I found out I was having a hysterectomy.  I was really bummed out about it for a lot of reasons...  Mostly I was angry and resentful at my ex for insisting I have my tubes tied cause he was too chickenshit to get a vasectomy... because I really wanted 2 more kids...  I would have them now and they would be 5 and 3...  little versions of me and Paskie...  with big eyes and dark curly hair and chubby cheeks...  probably fluent in english and spanish...  I cried for those babies that would never be born.  I cried for being so controlled by my ex that I allowed HIM to decide what would happen to my body, instead of taking a stand and saying, "No, you get snipped if you don't want more."  But then he never would have had his other daughter, who was a miracle, since the new wife wasn't supposed to be able to have kids... so she never would have existed if another choice was made...  I started to be sad for the loss of the should haves and could haves, and got so lost in it, that for a time, I had to just be with it and cry. Then I decided I had mourned enough.  I needed to find the gifts.  So I looked at all the things my uterus had accomplished and been through during her working years...  So here is my eulogy for Aunt Mary...

Aunt Mary we affectionately called her here in our house... her and her monthly visits. She loved to go on trips, and always managed to show up just as we were leaving so she could tag along for most of it.,  She had a rocky start in the early years as a teen.  We had endometriosis and a couple of surgeries, and wondered if we could even carry a baby... But like the little engine that could...  she chugged along in spite of the doctors warnings. She provided me with four awesome kids.  She and I survived induced labor, pitocin and no epidural (ouch) and a beautiful quiet easy breezy natural delivery without a doctor for the first half of delivery.  We had our water broke, and she hung in there like a champ as she pushed baby number 3 out with one push.  She was poked and prodded and  cut open with a c-section when baby number 4 decided she liked her butt tucked snugly under my pelvic bone.  She watched her friends Fallopian Tubes and Ovaries say a final goodbye, as I debated with the doctor over tying both tubes or only doing one and rolling the dice.  I wish I had been a gambler.  She worked very hard to help 3 different couples become a family through surrogacy.  She did her part, but their eggs just weren't healthy enough to implant in her...... 

Then a few months ago, I started noticing she was tired...  worn out, and literally falling out of me...  Poor Mary.  We had a good run... Wish I could have put you up in a hammock with a mai tai and let you retire in style...  but we had to part...  you and I... I will miss you.  You were very good to me.  I will remember you fondly.  I never thought of you as a curse.  I celebrated every single time you visited.  and also the times you didn't..  I wish you well Mary.  Rest In Peace....

2 comments:

Laume said...

What a fabulous tribute to a .... well, a part of you that is also "someone" you've had a long relationship with as well. I can totally relate to the ups and downs of the stories we each share with our uterus. Kudos to you!

bekaboo said...

That is a fantastic story, and a great piece of art to go with it. I can completely understand mourning this loss, and this was indeed a fitting tribute. I had a different experience; had 3 children when I was expecting to have two, so I think I might have been okay with a hysterectomy, but I can still empathize with your sense of loss. My mother was stunned that my (as she put it) "macho, hispanic" husband was willing to go under the knife, but, shockingly, he did, even though it did end up having complications for him. Whenever he complains, I remind him that it was still easier than a combined 3 pregnancies and deliveries. :) So happy to have encountered your blog (through OWOH).