Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Surrendering

Remember when we were kids and would play tag or capture the flag and you would hate to be the kid who yelled "I surrender!" because it made you the "loser"?  I have been experiencing these "loser" feelings a lot lately... Buckling under the weight of all the things I need to do, but have yet to accomplish, I feel overwhelmed.  In a new town with absolutely no friends...  Alone in ways I have never experienced before, I am faced daily with medical issues, doctor visits, insurance company and attorney phone calls... Some days, it is hard to get out of bed...  I was trying to remember if I have ever felt like this before, and then I remembered the post partum depression I experienced with Kayleigh...  No... It couldn't be THAT...  not the D word... But then I just let go once I recognized it...  It is depression...  It is a lot of things, all rolled into a big ball of surrender...  and I think that is what is depressing me... The surrendering... as if by surrendering to my life and my current limitations, I am a loser...  Intellectually I know this is not the case...  But the fighter in me says, "that's it, it's all over once you surrender.."  

Will the world stop turning if I don't get my boxes unpacked?  Will the art supplies shrivel up and blow away waiting for me to use them?  Can a person actually die from too many unexpressed creative ideas?  These questions haunt me, and keep me awake all night...  What I really need right now is some grandma therapy...  When I was a teen ager and feeling blue, I would visit my grandma, and tell her all my troubles... she always had wise advice on how to help me, and if she couldn't think of anything else to say, she would put her arm around me and pat my back and say, "then just have a good cry, let yourself really feel it... you will feel better."  So here I sit, a box of permission slips (tissue) on the table next to me...  trying to have a good cry...  I have my grandma's permission....  and I feel like if I start to cry...  I might crack apart and never stop...

I feel blocked at every turn...  In more ways than I even want to put out there into the world in print... but some, like decorating my home, getting organized, creating a nurturing environment for my family, starting the Christmas gift making, and creating my "Creative Business" I started so many moons ago and never finished...  these are the things that frustrate the hell out of me... because all these physical limitations and other things are happening that prevent me from doing the things that are literally BURNING in my soul to do... And every time I come up with a solution, it involves getting or hiring help, and that appears to not be an option.... So I am stuck here... Knowing I need to just give up and let it go for a while, and refusing to let go because then I will be a loser...

I am trying a new tactic today...  Little by little, every single day, I will try to create one thing in my life that is a step toward the life I want... I can see it so clearly, what it looks like, what it feels like, even what it tastes and smells like...  So instead of focusing on how far away it is, I will focus on how much closer I am getting to it every day.  Accepting myself the way I am now, and embracing my limitations is a step in the right direction.  Taking the time to nurture myself and care for my poor body right now when it really needs some kindness and love is another step... Doing little, manageable projects that I can accomplish on my own, will give me a sense of satisfaction, and quiet the creative whispers that are becoming screams in my heart.  I can only do what I can do, which is my best...  the rest will just have to wait...  and every day I repeat these words to myself over and over....

"What God leads us to... He leads us through...." I saw it on a church billboard here in town the other day... and it really jolted me... So I am surrendering it all to God... I am letting Him handle the details for me, because it is just too big a job for me on my own right now...

2 comments:

Joanne Huffman said...

Moving is one of the most traumatic things a person can do. Think of all you've accomplished (and, you really have done a lot). You're right, boxes can stya put for a very long time (maybe draped with seasonal decorations?). Good luck to you and take care of yourself. You can do this.

mariellenromer said...

I think yuo have taken a great approach. Esting the elephnat one bite at a time. I would offer one further small suggestion, and that is that you write down your day's achievement at the end of the day. That way, when you think 'oh no I'll never get through all this', yuo can read our own journal, maybe even in your own writing, and see that you will. That you have and you are, and you will continue to..your dispairing self confronted with your successful self, maybe that is not so hard to reach towards and grasp and hold onto...