The way he loved me

We met on line one night when I had insomnia.  I will save the whole love story for another post... but for now, suffice it to say that we spent 6 months talking on the phone and emailing each other before we ever met in person.  The first thing I loved about him was his beautiful voice.  So animated.  The tone resonated in my ear.  We spent hours on the phone.  I wore headphones so it was clear in my ear.  A softly accented, soothing voice that made me tingle when I heard it.  He would sing to me sometimes.  He had a beautiful singing voice.  Other times he would speak to me in different languages.  It was kind of like having different lovers.  He was always chuckling and cracking jokes.  My love for him started with his voice.  

He was the Ricky to my Lucy.  More than anything he liked to make me laugh.  I loved how he would revert to Spanish words when he was angry and “Ricky Ricardo out” with his temper tantrum.  One time  in the early day’s when his accent was thicker he got road rage and yelled at the guy in English ”Ju.. ju... hole of the ass!”  Then he started cursing a blue streak just like Ricky used to do to Lucy.  I’m in the passenger seat holding my stomach laughing because it was hilarious.  He looks at me all pissed of and says “When you laugh at me, it loses all its force!”  I just giggled and repeated “hole of the ass”. And we both started cracking up.  It was one of our favorite curse words after that.  

He had no problem being the butt of a joke, but where he really shined was with puns on words.  His friends would tell me he was hilarious in Spanish.  I thought he was funny in English too.  Over time, he tried so hard to make puns on words in English and quite often it did not work.  I started telling him he wasn’t funny in English, but he knew I thought he was, when it was natural.  When he forced it, not so much.  Every once in a while he would come up with a gem that was so funny, people would tell it and retell it over again.  

My favorite was this time he came up to me and all the skin on his face was dry and peeling.  I would usually say, “Honey you need lotion, your face is all peely. “. He would usually say, “No I’m Pascual, my sister is Pili.”  But this time instead, he looked at me really serious and said ”I know...  I have a reptile disfunction.”  Classic Pascual.  

Quite often if we were late to a party people would call and ask us when we were going to arrive.  He would laugh at me and say, “Apparently the party doesn’t start until I get there.”  He loved to make people laugh.  He would have people gathered in a circle and would have the men doubled over and the women crossing their legs laughing so hard they were going to pee themselves.  I liked to stand back a bit during those times and observe.  It made me happy to see him so happy.  

He wanted to be everything to me.  He would pretend he was galloping up to me on a horse like Prince Charming.  Making the horses hoof noises and prancing like he was on a stick pony, and then make the horse whinney noises.   “Hola Princessa, do you come frequently here?” And I would die laughing.  He was trying to say “Do you come here often?” but he got it wrong.  He would say it the wrong way every time just to make me laugh.  

He would dance around in his bikini brief underwear doing a sexy dance for me but he would purposely make it funny.  Everything he did was funny.  

He would grab me in the kitchen and start dancing with me in his version of a very bouncy waltz.  Singing softly in his beautiful voice,  a song to the tune of a song I knew, but whose words he didn’t.  So he’d sing on with completely made up words like raka fraken fraller.   

He would hear a song he liked with a lot of guitar and he would put his arms around me and use me as his air guitar.  I had to ask him to stop sometimes because in his  exuberance he would leave bruises.  

Every time he left for work or left for a trip he would kiss my cheek and tell me goodbye.  I got to the point where I would sleep through it.  On his last day in this world he said quite loudly in my ear, “Goodbye darling... I love you! “. I was surprised he was so loud that it woke me.  I reached up to stroke his cheek and down his arm and told him, “Goodbye darling.  I love you too.  Have a good day.”  

Had I known it would be his last,  I would have gotten up to give him a big hug, felt his arms around me one more time.  But that voice in my ear... It was the first thing I ever knew of him when we met on line so long ago... and the last thing I knew of him before he left this world.  I cling to the memory of it.  I hold the sound of it in my heart.  I listen to the two voicemails I have of him over and over so I can feel that little tingle I always get when I hear his voice in my ear.  

All of these things I took for granted.  I assumed they would always be here.  Now I am left with memories, photos, a few emails and a couple of voicemails.  I wish I had taken more.  I wish I had enjoyed and savored everything more.  It is so difficult now for me to recall these times without crying.  I know the day will come when i will just laugh and remember him fondly with a chuckle and a “Yeah, he was great at that.”  But for now... I remember and cry for the loss of him.  The huge loss of his light in the world, and the incredibly sad and wasteful loss of such a fine human being.  If anyone ever excelled in the art of being human... it was Pascual.