Lessons in love

Anyone who ever saw Pascual and I together knew how much we loved each other.  We were very demonstrative.  Hugging, kissing, holding hands all the time.  It was obvious how we felt about each other.

I never realized until after his death how unusual that is for the culture he came from.  All of his friends and family are lovely people.  They hug and kiss hello and goodbye.  But I have never seen any if the couples hold hands or kiss or put their arms around each other.  Funny I never noticed it.  I thought everyone was like us until a Spanish friend of mine pointed out that it is not their way to be demonstrative.

I know it is one of the things Pascual really loved about me.  He liked being hugged and kissed.  It made him feel loved.  I liked it too.  We were very alike in that.  I was thinking about love a lot over the past couple of weeks.  How it endures and sharpens into clearer focus after the death of your partner.

I have come to know that Pascual, in his decision to end his life, was trying to love me the best way he could in his pain.  He made sure I would not be sued.  He signed and mailed off his severance package so I would get the money.  He sacrificed his life so I could have a better, easier life financially without him.

I am having a very hard time with this... how do I come to terms with the fact that he truly believed I would be better off without him.  All of these things have been rolling around in my head for several days now...

I usually wake up and cry.  Sunday morning I woke up with the song Blue Skies, smiling at me... nothing but blue skies do I see... stuck in my head.  I was singing it and Kayleigh said, “you’re in a good mood this morning.”  I thought about it and said that I woke up with it rolling around in my head.  I must have dreamed it.  I have dream soundtracks.

I spoke to a friend and talked to her about how bad I was feeling about the things I’ve come to know about how Pascual thought to sacrifice himself for me.  I spoke of my pain and grief over it, as well as  my difficulty accepting it.  My friend said “that’s love Karan.  It may seem really screwed up to us... but even in his pain and darkest moments... he loved you.  His final actions were of love in protecting you as much as he could.”  I thought about what she said.  It was a different perspective.  Something I could look for the gift in.  He loved me.  I still feel his love for me every day.

I’ve been trying to watch a Star Trek show called Picard on tv all last week.  I kept falling asleep during the last episode.  Like literally 8 times.  So after having my tea, I decided to put the show on and finally watch the end.  Spoiler alert, captain Picard and Data have a conversation about death.  Data wanted his whole life to feel actual love.  He asks Picard to let him go... to let him die.  A doctor was using his neurons to build more synthetic life forms so he was essentially trapped in a hologram forever.  Unable to truly die and move on.  Data says... (I’m paraphrasing somewhat..“we live, however briefly knowing that our life is finite.  Human mortality gives meaning to life. Peace, love, friendship.  These are precious because we know they cannot endure.”  Then while they are having this conversation, the song I’ve been singing all morning, Blue Skies comes on in the room where they are visiting.  Picard says he was upset with Data for sacrificing his life for Picard, when Picard had planned to do the same thing.  Data says, “if you can sacrifice your life for love of me, why can you not accept that I would do the same for you?”

Here is where I lose it.  I’m blubbering like a baby, because Pascual has sent me a very deep message about his love for me.  All I can say in the moment is “Star Trek?! You didn’t even LIKE Star Trek.”  I hear his voice echo in my ear... “No, but you did darling...”

So my day started out with a loving message from him, with many layers of validation so I would see that it truly was him.  He is with me still.  Helping me through the pain.  Sending me comforting messages.  Taking tender care of me as he used to say.  I’m learning to just go with it when these things happen.  And the more open I am, the more I see things from new perspectives.  I miss him so much... but yesterday, for the first time since his death, I actually felt like I am going to make it through this.  Thanks to a love that keeps on... even in Death