When I talk about how I will never find another man like Pascual... I really mean it. He married me four times. Four ceremonies, four wedding rings, four honeymoons. He wanted to have a ceremony every month. That way if we forgot an anniversary we would just pick it up the next one. Our next was going to be in Vegas in July in an Elvis love chapel by an Elvis impersonator.
If you add all of them up we would have hit 50 anniversaries by the end of this year. We were looking forward to celebrating 50 anniversaries in Spain for the Christmas holidays. I don’t know of another man who would want to marry his wife 12 times. Willingly! And his idea to begin with.
He was romantic. He loved to go for moonlight walks on the beach. He enjoyed watching and photographing sunsets as much as I did. We loved snorkeling in Hawaii holding hands while we watched the fish and turtles. He liked picnics on the beach and hikes to waterfalls, constantly on the lookout for wild orchids. He loved whales and dolphins. The time we went snorkeling in Maui and ended up in a pod of dolphins, he was like a little kid watching them flip and jump all around us.
The kids found out we were eloping and asked us not to run away and get married. They were very insistent that they wanted to be there as a part of the ceremony. So we planned another wedding at my Mom and Teens house with local family and friends. Pascual’s best friends Vicente and Laura came from Spain with his cousin Olga and her husband Alberto and his Godmother Maria Jesus and her son Ramon. It was another day of laughter, dancing and more tears of joy. My mother performed the ceremony. My sons walked me down the aisle. His friends stood up with him as best man and women. His Godmother was at his side in Spanish marriage tradition. My girls were a bridesmaid and flower girl. The day was perfect. The weather was warm, we drank wine smuggled from Spain in his friends luggage.
We had 2 beach weddings, a vineyard wedding and a wedding in a castle. This anniversary is from the vineyard wedding at my parents house. As I look through the photos of the day, I remember how incredibly happy we were. I chuckle at how little the kids were. I remember feeling so lucky to marry my soul mate a second time in front of all my friends and family.
We were 40 years old. We had become a family. We were a team together to face all the storms in life. We didn’t know of the things that were coming. We didn’t know the real estate market would tank and we would lose everything. We didn’t know that he would spend 7 years trying to get back into the business he left before finding the right job in that industry again. We didn’t know that we would have to start over financially three times over the next 15 years. We battled so many obstacles, and survived so many hardships... through it all we never stopped loving each other. We never gave up on each other or our dreams. We kept working toward our goals.
I look at the path ahead of me now and I can’t imagine taking it alone. I look for the light at the end of the tunnel, but it’s dark and endless. I don’t know how to dream without him. I’ve become so accustomed to sharing everything with him down to the smallest detail, that I don’t know how to go on without him. I’m completely lost in the pain. This has been a sad week with a lot of crying.
I’m trying darling. Trying to move on. Trying to forgive you and forgive myself. I’m trying to hold on to the good memories and let them flood me full of warm feelings. I’m trying but it’s such an effort to get out of bed and get dressed each day. Facing a third celebration day without you in three weeks is a lot to take. You sure picked a crappy time. I’m trying to be gentle and patient with myself through this process, but all I can feel is the incredible emptiness of your absence. So again, I celebrate these milestones without you. The victory hollow. The taste bitter with the ashes of these dreams we had that are no more.
I love you... I miss you... I want you back my darling
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