Random 3 am thoughts

I will forever miss your smile, your big laugh. The twinkle in your eye when you danced with your bouncy step I could never follow.  I wonder who will rub my legs or shoulders now when I have anxiety attacks and restless legs, or hold me in the night when I’m cold because their body heat is like a furnace.

How will I go on when I know that you aren’t just at work or on a business trip and won’t be walking through the door shouting “Hi Darling” ever again.

Little things like taking out the trash cans and recycling, nagging me about what is and what is not compostable.  Who will I argue with about not hoarding food as I try to Tetris one more thing into the freezer.

Who gets the 98 T-shirts you wouldn’t donate, and what about all of your Aloha shirts? Not to mention the piles and piles of papers in the office that you refused to throw away.

Who will drive me home at night because I can’t see in the dark?  Or guide me through foreign airports without a hitch.

What will I do at the end of my day when I want to talk it over and only an empty placemat stares back.

How will my crazy technology glitches get fixed now?  Where will I find a perfect plus 1 for all events who fits so seamlessly into any group with a beautiful friendly smile, corny joke, and cheesy 80’s dance steps?

Who is going to say loving things to me in 6 different languages, real phrases not just food words.  Who will sing the many versus of the Hola Tobias song when only you knew the words.

Never again will I see your huge grin and dancing eyes when they spy a Spanish ham, chorizo or horchata made from chufas? Or hear you tease me about Chistorra.  What about Your Kings Cakes and pan de Pascual? Will I always see you playing air guitar when I hear the Gypsy Kings?

How will I complete the  Nativity set in true Spanish style?  I don’t know what animals and figures we still need.

Your friends and family mourn your loss greatly.  Many sad, tearful, sleepless nights are spent wondering why.

My future has been erased.  Our carefully made plans completely blown apart.  You were my compass.  You were my true north.  I have no sense of direction now.

Where will I ever find the love to fill the hole that’s been blown through the middle of me at your passing.  Where do I find another soul mate, a perfect match, my half Orange when I’ve already had the best God could send me? How will I ever find another person to measure up to the incredibly high bar you set.

All of this is but a small amount of the things that made you my husband.  We were soul mates, partners, adventure buddies, best friends....  I’m half of the whole now.  I have to learn to be a half again.  Until I do, I will get up every day, put one foot in front of the other, breathe in and out and try not to remember that for 15 years, I had it perfect.