Birthday thoughts

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Birthdays have always been a big deal to me. My parents always made it special.  My mom always made the best homemade cakes.  Lovingly decorated as a turtle, or rocking horse or flowers.  There were huge parties with lots of presents and ice cream and me surrounded by family and friends.  

In my early adult life, I had partners that were good at making things special and others that struggled with my birthdays are special concept.  I told my ex husbands that there were only a few days a year that I wanted, needed, required to be treated like a queen.  Anniversary, Mother’s Day and my birthday.  Not too much to ask for 3 days out of a year.  I think a huge celebration on the day you arrived on the planet is the best way to honor the Life well lived.  

One year I didn’t have a spouse on my birthday., we split up the month before.  My sister in law Krissy threw me a party that year, bless her and her beautiful heart.  

I met Pascual the winter before my 40th.  He had just moved to Chicago a few days before my birthday so he couldn’t come to my big 40th bash.  I was disappointed.  Every year since then he worked so hard at making sure he created the perfect birthday for me.  

It usually started out with his beautiful voice singing softly in my ear in English and Spanish.  Then I would get up and there would be a lovely sappy sentimental card, and a joke card, flowers, candy, and a fun day planned.  He usually worked from home and would prepare me a special breakfast and lunch and then take me out to dinner.  Then on the weekend (if my birthday was a weekday) we would go wine tasting.  The last several birthdays I have spent with Paskie,  all the kids and Mom and Teen wine tasting.  They were fun days filled with laughter, sappy cards and lots of wine.  But they were all days I had planned.  One time he said to me “You know... SOMEONE might want to plan a special surprise for someone’s birthday if she didn’t plan the whole thing for herself.”  I laughed and said “ok I won’t plan it.  I want the wine tasting with family on Saturdays but you can plan the Sundays festivities.” 

One year it was a museum to see an antique jewelry exhibit.  Another year it was a shopping spree at my favorite scrapbook store.  There were weekend getaways, trips we took to celebrate both our birthdays.  His in March, and mine in April.  Every one planned with surprises and special touches, always with a lovely card filled with loving words, and wishes of spending our birthdays together for many years to come.  

His birthday this past March I was only 2 weeks post op on my knee replacement.  I didn’t have a card, and couldn’t go get one.  I made his favorite dinner.  It took me all day.  Resting after each step of the food prep.  High on pain pills I managed to pull it off and have it waiting on the table for him when he came in.  China, candles, wildflowers from my backyard.  He took one look and his face lit up.  Thank you darling!  He hadn’t been expecting anything because of my recent surgery and limited mobility.  He was very appreciative of my efforts.  “It means a lot, more than you know.”  This was the last birthday I would have with him.  I’m so glad I made the huge effort to complete the meal.  He was a simple guy.  Never expected a lot but always gave excessively.  He was happy with whatever he got.  I tried to make them all adventures and outings for him.  Like his birdwatching birthday.  That was super fun and he was so happy!  We agreed for my birthday we would do the same, a quiet meal at home, and then take a trip to celebrate both when travel bans are lifted.  We were going to Maui to hike in Hana to the waterfall with my new knee.  

Today I woke up after a restful 7 hours of sleep.  No birthday song sang softly in my ear with a Spanish accent.  

A table covered not with birthday, but condolence bouquets.  A box sits on the table filled with homemade cookies from my sweet friend Sue Brown.  Condolence cards and birthday cards cover the fireplace mantle.  It’s a wierd bittersweet birthday.  Started with sad lonely tears as I woke missing him so much.  Hugging his pillow and breathing in his scent.  I thought it would comfort me but it just made me feel more lonely.  I know in the fog of his pain he never thought about how close the day of his death was to my birthday or how deeply and negatively it would affect me.  He just wanted the pain to stop.  But regardless.... my birthdays will now and forever be shadowed by the anniversary of his death.  Each birthday that ticks down to the time when we would have retired and started our globetrotting life will be a special kind of painful because he’s not here to celebrate them with me.  They will get easier.  The sharpness of the pain will dull.  But the sparkle and shine of each one will be dulled by the ghosts of faded dreams with him that will never happen.  

Today I am numb.  I can’t feel anything.  My eyes, which I thought were completely dried out of tears, are flowing again.  My heart is filled with a mixture of the joys of well wishes from friends and an aching loneliness for the one who has been beside me and filled my soul for the past 15 years.  They were quick years.  A lot happened during them, but they blew by in a flash.  I’m trying to stretch  out the memory of them so I can walk through them slowly and savor each moment.  In future I will have all these memories to hold on to.  But today, in this moment, all I feel is an empty aching loneliness that doesn’t feel like it will ever end.