The Midnight of the soul

I am going through what my mother calls "the Midnight of the soul" That dark part inside all of us where our deepest dreams and desires are hidden. The part of us that hold the key to our existance here on earth. What do I want to do? Where do I want to go? Who do I want to be? what do I want to leave behind? There is that little sparkly bit there in that dark place... that little flash of me that shines brighter each time I look at it... the me I was born to be... I just need to learn to listen to her... She knows... I just need to have the courage to sit and be quiet with her for a bit... to let her light shine on me and show me what my purpose is in this world. I am torn in two directions right now... the practical side of me says "Stick with real estate, it is what you know, and you are good at it, and the paychecks are fabulous..." but th e little sparkly bit wants more... to create beauty and peace and a place for others to create it too... She wants to inspire others, to lift them up and show them that they can do it too... she is the part of me that wants to create great things, with art, and also with the art of being human... I am also looking at putting myself out there, and taking my artistic art ideas more seriously. Creating a line of products for altered art and scrapbooking. Something I have talked about many times, and I never have the guts to pursue... That scared part is the same part of me that puts her hands over her ears and says "la la la I'm not listening" when the sparkly bit of me shines the brightest and whispers loudly in my ear... "It is time to create something new!!"

How do I let go and let that part take over? How do I stop shutting that part of myself off, and just let it flow out and be what it needs to be? I know I have the ability to do it... why am I so scared to even TRY? I think I am at the point where I HAVE to do it... I think I can't hold it inside anymore... I walk around crying all the time... feeling foggy and disconnected... I feel this brightness inside of me bursting to come out, but I am holding it inside so tightly, that I feel like I am cracking apart... I even meditated the other day and saw myself, lying suspended in the air on my back. I was in a cocoon, and it was cracked all over like a puzzle. A few pieces fell off and all I could see was the light shining out through the cracks and great beams of light shining through the bits where the cocoon had fallen away. Inside was th is incredibly being of light, trapped, and pushing at the cocoon, struggling to break free... I sat and looked at this image for a long time, like you look at a injured butterfly, and think of the beauty that it is, but that it won't ever be able to fly again and then it will just die... then I got up and started my day... Thinking on it now as I am writing... I think I am ignoring the vital part of who I am deep inside... But the complacent part of me just wants her to stay trapped in that cocoon because when she comes out, my life will never be the same... and that is a scary feeling... the not knowing... When did I get so scared to live life? When did I shut down like this? all these thing float in my mind to the point were sometimes I am numb with it... In so much pain from the thoughts that I can't even feel anything anymore...

I know there is something great out there for me... I know that I can have whatever it is in life I want, if I just focus and light it up. If it is for my higher good, it will come... I have incredible friends and family who believe in me... I am surrounded by love... and yet... I can't give it to myself... why is that??? These are the things that puzzle me, and make me a little nuts. I am ready to make changes... Ready to steer my life in new directions... Ready to break that shiny being out of the cocoon... I just need to figure out how...